The Journal of Carlisle Cullen
by uyatongal
Summary: This is a companion piece to "The Forgiveness of Carlisle Cullen" Please read that to Chapter 34 before beginning this one.
1. Chapter 1

**1.**

 _My Dearest Lisbet,_

 _France is so different than home. In a marketplace I was surprised to see luxuries that we would expect only in the Windsor markets. I came across a leather journal and writing utensils. I decided that I should practice before I arrive at the University. I wanted to share this journey with someone but the only one I would ever wish to share with is gone. You would understand and would be able to recognize the marvelous things I have seen, so I write to you in this journal._

 _Wherever you are I hope that you know I am always thinking of you._

 _With all of my Love_

 _Carlisle_

 _1666_

 **2.**

 _Eyes that make the sun blush_

 _Hair that punctuates their light in a halo_

 _Longing for completion_

 _Longing to be made whole_

 _The two embrace_

 _Lips together, mouths open, eager_

 _Tongues dance through the intermingling of souls_

 _They are one_

 _Two souls become one_

 _Forever bound together_

 _Through paradise or damnation_

 _They share the same fate_

 _The sun is gone_

 _The sky is dark_

 _I have failed_

 _We are damned_

 _~ 1666_

 **3.**

 _Dear Lisbet,_

 _Writing to you here in Paris, I can almost believe you are back in London waiting for my return. A journey to seek my fortune, perhaps. Maybe a journey for some higher purpose of God._

 _Then, I see the beauty and marvel at the differences, so I want you to experience with me and I remember that you are gone._

 _I see your face in everyone. I compare every woman to you. Every action, I yearn for your approval. I pray that in whatever limbo you may find your eternal rest, you can see that I understand the compassion you had for others._

 _It is true that when we were young I pretended to care? In truth, everything was just to be with you. Every moment leading to the union where we became one. Then, afterwards, every moment longing to return there with you._

 _I wish I had paid more attention. I truly love you and enjoyed our every moment together. I was just distracted by the yearnings of the flesh and now that I cannot hold you, I lament the things that I have lost._

 _I miss you, my darling. I pray that in whatever manner it must be, one day we will be reunited._

 _With love,_

 _1666_

 **4** _._

 _Memories of kindness_

 _Memories of love_

 _Memories of tragedy_

 _Memories of sorrow_

 _Ashes on the ground_

 _The embers rose up to the heavens_

 _The embers obscured the view of God_

 _The embers made him smile_

 _The embers exacted his justice_

 _Ashes of the evil now gone_

 _Fire consumed the city_

 _Fire make the demons scream in pain_

 _Fire for the lives they have lived_

 _Fire for their eternal souls_

 _Ashes of their lives dances in hell._

 _How is it I escaped the fire?_

 _How is it I escaped God's wrath?_

 _How it it I can live so abandoned?_

 _How is it God will find me for his vengeance?_

 _Ashes of my soul eternally damned_

 _~ 1666_

 **5.**

 _The sun shines on the water_

 _The reflection dances among the trees_

 _The sun shines on my skin_

 _The reflection dances through the ruined church_

 _The sun shines on my beloved_

 _There is no reflection for she is not there_

 _Forever lost_

 _-C. Cullen 1666_

 **6.**

 _My dearest Lisbet,_

 _I am reminded of the patterns in the water. I remember the big fish moving the others. I struggle to remember if I had mentioned this then or if it is a relatively new thought but I am reminded of how the king governs his people who in turn govern the people of England. Just like with men some of the large fish were mean and attacked the smaller ones. Others drifted among them moving them by leading. There were always the small groups of fish that did not go with the group. Sometimes as few as one and other times more. I think of this as I experience my new life. I have met others like me and it seems they too have small groups and a larger governing group that they dread. I wonder how their government works. I wonder about their civilizations for there most certainly must be more to this life than lone wandering._

 _I thought I was going to die today. It was going to be the end of my torment and my ultimate reunion with you. I was a coward. I ran. The opportunity was within my grasp but I was afraid and left the scene. I am deeply saddened that I have prolonged my time without you._

 _Yours forever_

 _~Carlisle Cullen 1666_


	2. Chapter 2

7.

There is no kindness

There is no charity

There is no penance

There is no forgiveness

There is no God

There is rage

There is intolerance

There is ignorance

There is darkness

There is emptiness

There is no God

~C. Cullen 1666

8.

My dearest Lisbet,

I have failed. We are damned. Forget me.

I am cursed.

~Carlisle

9.

My love,

The stories and letters contained in this journal thus far had to be recreated from memory. I have added the ones I kept to myself in my solitude even though they do not reflect the man I am today.

With all my love

~Carlisle

10.

My darling Lisbet, in a moment of rage I left this world behind me and retreated like a common animal. There are no excuses that I could ever provide that could satisfy the anguish I feel for turning my back on your memory. It has been a very long time. I haven't seen you and I haven't heard your voice since that terrible day at the prison. I have purchased a new journal so that I can write to you now and beg your forgiveness. Please come to me again Lisbet. Another millennia in silence is unbearable to even consider. My new friend has reminded me that hope will always exist. He has returned the fire to my soul. With a heavy heart and a prayer for forgiveness, I am always yours.

Love

~Carlisle

11.

It is Spring

The animals return from their slumber

The trees change from brown to green

The ground is covered with grass again

There is color

There is light

There is life

It is Summer

The children of the animals run the forest

The flowers salute them in a rainbow of color

The ground swells in delight at the abundance of life

There is color

There is light

There is life

It is Fall

The animals hasten to prepare for their slumber

The flowers lose their petals and disappear

The trees change from colors of life to colors of fire

There is still color

There is still light

There is still life

It is Winter

The forest has grown silent with the absence of life

The ground has disappeared in a blanket of white

The trees are but skeletons where no life remains

There is no color

There is no light

There is no life

12.

My dearest Lisbet,

My heart is still. It has not beat since that fateful night. In truth, however, it stopped beating when I let go of your hand. The world changed Lisbet, and I wanted no part of it. I was content to live my days here in this forest. I was the listener in the trees and the grave digger for wayward travelers. This was good enough for me.

I find you in the strangest of places. I excised you from my thoughts yet you return to me in a bundle of blank pages. In the journals of a dead Gypsy I once again see your face. I feel your caress.

I can no longer be content in this life. There is something left that I am meant to do. I am bewildered. My mind is a blank canvas with no direction of what to paint next.

Please come to me. Please show me the way.

I am so sorry that I ever let you go.

With all of my love,

~Carlisle


	3. Chapter 3

**13.**

Caught between heaven and hell

The creature waits for me

In the cathedral of God, or in a river, even in a hole

The creature waits for me

Carved of stone to make men fear

The creature waits for me

I am but his servant. I can only listen and obey

The creature waits for me

 **14.**

My dearest Lisbet,

It has been so very long. I find that my only relationships are those in my mind, or with the dead that I bury. It is the children that haunt me. I don't know what they could have done to offend in such a manner to warrant their death. Yet I seem to dig many small graves. Given my fate it is probably for the better, but I cannot help to think of what it would have been to have a child of our own. Perhaps things would've been different. I surely wouldn't leave a child alone while I hunted the vampire. I wouldn't have had this fate. Now my time has passed. It pains me to know the only children I will have are the ghosts of the ones I have buried. I know that I must sound simply horrible. I am just lonely. I do have a new distraction though. I have found a treasure of journals of healing. I am reminded of my vow to help and it pains me that I so quickly abandoned my vow. For now I study the journals and then I will return to my task. I will complete my vow and in doing so perhaps I will find a cure for this loneliness.

Forever yours

Carlisle


	4. Chapter 4

**15.**

My dearest Lisbet,

It has been a while since I have written. This life holds many challenges and dangers, however it can also hold miracles beyond anything I could ever have expected. As I write to you I am at a loss for words. Where do I begin to tell you the story of my new friend Victor. He is my natural enemy and for a moment I thought we would be my salvation. I expected him to deliver me from this cursed life, but instead he opened in me a feeling I have not felt for such a long time. He has given me hope. Lisbet, this man lives a cursed life just as I do, yet within it he finds purpose. He shames my self pity. This he does not do with intent or malice but by his presence of optimism and hope. Even under the conditions he has found himself he still believes in a path laid out for all. I fear that our paths will not remain parallel for long. Our worlds are different yet I am certain our paths will cross again. For now I enjoy his presence and whatever time we have together. He has reminded me of my purpose and soon I will resume my ambition to help others through the practice of healing.

Until then, I am eternally yours

Carlisle.


End file.
